A blog by Smudge the Cat
Observations from the stair gate, the bedroom window, and the top of the garden fence.
Latest Diary Entry
Fresh from the litter tray: Smudge’s newest update, full of sass, side-eye, and feline wisdom.
Who’s Who in My World 🐾
Meet the humans and animals I tolerate, torment, or occasionally cuddle. Spoiler: the golden menace doesn’t make the favourites list.
These are the regulars in my diaries, from the ones who feed me to the ones who test my patience.
Humans
The Blonde One (sometimes Blondie when especially clueless)
My human. Big heart, soft hands, smells like vanilla and stress. She talks to me like I’m a baby, decorates everything in pastel, and once tried to teach me line dancing. I tolerate her. She loves me deeply, which is the only reason I haven’t packed my bags.
Annoyance Rating: 🐟🐟 (2/5 – mildly irritating but emotionally invested)
The Tall One
My other human. 6ft 3, built like a warrior, voice like thunder, patience like a saint. He used to nap. Now he negotiates with a golden fur ball. I use his intimidating stature to threaten other cats in the neighbourhood. He remains blissfully unaware.
Annoyance Rating: 🐟 (1/5 – quiet, useful, and mostly harmless)
The Smoky One (aka Granny)
She arrives every weekend like clockwork, smokes outside (respect), sits with me in the garden, and naps like a seasoned professional. She brings treats. Real ones. Not puppy nonsense. We vibe. She gets it.
Annoyance Rating: 🐟 (1/5 – elite company, snack supplier)
The Take Away Sharer
Blondie’s older brother. Feeds me when she’s away, gives treats, plays with me, and once shared his Chinese takeaway. Rare. Noble. Forever respected. Complains a lot, mainly about football and traffic, I think. I tune it out!
Annoyance Rating: 🐟 (2/5 – generous, mildly noisy)
The Baker Boy
Blondie’s younger brother. Works in a bakery but never brings pastries. I repeat: never. I’ve checked his pockets. Nothing. Visits every other Sunday, watches football, and lets the Golden Menace bounce all over him like he’s a living trampoline. I don’t even get a pat on the head.
Annoyance Rating: 🐟🐟🐟 (3/5 – pastryless, puppy obsessed, pat stingy)
The Red One
The Baker Boy’s teenage son. Red hair that matches my patches, coincidence? I think not. Talks about zombies, exams, and is obsessed with his phone. Friendly, but stingy with snacks. I sit near him just in case.
Annoyance Rating: 🐟🐟 (2/5 – snack stingy, but tolerable)
The Bag Lady
Blondie’s best friend. Turned up to a sleepover with a handbag that looked expensive and smelled like crisps. I shredded it. Not out of spite – out of principle. She prefers me to the Golden Menace maaahaaaahaaa! Finally, a human with taste. I keep an eye on her accessories now. You never know when inspiration will strike.
Annoyance Rating: 🐟🐟🐟 (3/5 – chatty, and occasionally crisps-scented)
Animals
The Golden Menace
A five-month-old Golden Retriever puppy with the grace of a potato and the brain of a biscuit. Bouncy, boisterous, and permanently muddy. Obsessed with soft things, barking at nothing, and nicking all the treats, even mine! Gets fussed over for doing absolutely nothing. I remain unimpressed.
Annoyance Rating: 🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟 (5/5 – loud, damp, and undeservedly adored)
The Curly Intruder
Granny’s new puppy. A caramel coloured fluffball with short stumpy legs and woolly hair that hangs over his eyes, so he can’t always see what he’s barking at – which is everything and nothing. Looks like a lamb. Acts like a wolf. As wild as his curls! Until the Golden Menace gets the zoomies, then he’s quivering under a sofa, a table, a teddy! Steals treats. Steals attention. I preferred Granny before he arrived.
Annoyance Rating: 🐟🐟🐟🐟 (4/5 – soft, small, and somehow another golden menace, a mini version)
Jasper
Lives next door. Grey with a white bib and sits like he owns the pavement. Scared of nothing. Used to be my nemesis, but we called a truce. We get on now, mostly because we have two Golden Menaces to outrun every time the front door opens.
Annoyance Rating: 🐟🐟 (2/5 – grumpy, but dependable)
Comet
Jet black and mysterious. Doesn’t say much. Doesn’t need to. Moves like smoke and vanishes just as fast. I suspect he’s part ninja.
Annoyance Rating: 🐟 (1/5 – silent, stylish, unbothered)
Pickle
Fluffy, pristine, and always looks like she’s just stepped out of a grooming advert. Her fur is soft, her whiskers are symmetrical, and her human insists on dressing her up, hats, bows, once a tutu. It’s a lot. She’s sweet, but it’s hard to take anyone seriously in a glittery cape. We think her real name might be Princess, but someone once misheard it as Pickle and it stuck. She’s always in a bit of a situation, so honestly… it fits. Annoyance Rating: 🐟🐟🐟 (3/5 – too polished, too pink, too Pickle)
Neighbourhood Crew
The Next Door Neighbour
All sunshine and soft tones, like a CBeebies presenter who runs her house like a military base. Full of empty smiles but we all know she nags, relentlessly. Can fire off a text faster than I can flick my tail. Leaves food out for other cats but shoos me away. Suspicious.
Annoyance Rating: 🐟🐟🐟🐟 (4/5 – selective kindness, loud thumbs)
Barrie the Pharmacist
Camp, cheerful, and always humming 80s power ballads while pruning his rose bushes. Owns a smug Tabby with a superiority complex. I pretend not to know his name, but I absolutely judge his flamingo garden ornaments from the fence.
Annoyance Rating: 🐟🐟 (2/5 – flamboyant, floral, mildly offensive décor)
Gwen the Cat Lady
Smells faintly of sardines and lavender. Feeds every stray within a three-mile radius. Oddly comforting. I’ve considered moving in, but I’d miss the drama.
Annoyance Rating: 🐟🐟 (2/5 – odd but potentially snack-worthy)
The Topless Gardener
The shirtless gardener. Mows the lawn with his six-pack out like it’s a public service. I treat his grass like my personal litter tray. He trims. I tinkle. We coexist.
Annoyance Rating: 🐟🐟 (2/5 – decorative, but unnecessary)
The Robe Ranger
Doesn’t matter what time of day it is, she’s in a dressing gown. Spotted, floral, long, short… we place bets on which one she’ll wear next. (I always win.) Her two elderly cats sit silently by the window like they’ve seen things. Me, Jasper, Comet, and Pickle are working on a get-out-of-jail plan. For them. And possibly me.
Annoyance Rating: 🐟🐟🐟 (3/5 – robe roulette, feline captivity vibes)
The Diary Archive
A month-by-month breakdown of my dramatic existence.
Start at the beginning or dive in wherever you like… it’s all downhill.
- July: The Golden Menace Arrives
- August: Biscuitgate and Bubble Drama
- September: Granny babysits
- October: coming soon
- November: coming soon
- December: coming soon
Ask Smudge
Got a question, dilemma, or juicy bit of gossip? Submit it here and I’ll respond with the grace of a cat who’s seen it all and judged it twice.
My favourite questions will be featured at the end of each monthly diary entry. Make the cut? Congrats (and condolences).
The Neighbourhood Watch
A map of my territory: sun spots, soft grass, and places I avoid on principle. Includes notes on local characters, suspicious squirrels, and eccentric neighbours who make life mildly entertaining, or mildly unbearable.
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